SYMDF 42

Chapter 42

 

Dum, dum…
The emperor’s procession in O’Brien always marched to the sound of drums. This was no different when the carriage carrying the Emperor arrived in Iodin, a city surrounded on three sides by ice walls.
The drum, which might have seemed like it would freeze solid, issued a deep and resonant sound even before the formidable gates of Iodin.

Having heard that the Emperor’s procession was visible from afar, Camillus ascended the castle tower and quietly observed the carriage of the O’Brien Emperor—his father—and the long procession stopping before the castle gates.
Though he had not yet seen the face of his ailing father, Camillus’s expression was already tinged with complexity.

“It is the procession of His Majesty the Emperor. Open the gates wide and welcome him.”
“Yes, Your Grace.”

Dum, dum…
The gates opened, and the Noah Knight Order, led by the Emperor, entered the castle. The drum’s mournful echo seemed to calm Camillus’s spirit as he descended slowly below the battlements.
Dressed in armor to greet his father, Camillus willingly knelt on one knee before the Emperor’s carriage, observing the formalities of vassal to sovereign.

“Camillus Valderas Clodel, Marcher Lord, pays homage to the Sun of the Empire.”

At the precise moment his red cloak touched the floor, the knights following Camillus also knelt and echoed behind him.
“We pay homage to the Sun of the Empire.”

However, the carriage door remained firmly closed. Instead, the captain of the Noah Knights who had escorted the Emperor to Iodin stepped forward.

“I greet Marcher Lord Camillus Valderas Clodel. I am Cal Narvaes, captain of the Noah Knight Order. His Majesty’s health is poor, so we hope to escort him directly to the residence.”

Camillus straightened, glancing briefly at the fur-covered carriage protecting against the cold. He nodded.

“…So be it.”

Mounting his horse first, he slowly took the lead. The Noah Knights followed suit.

The Emperor’s journey to Iodin was unprecedented during his 42 prior excursions beyond the capital, making it a major spectacle for the villagers. People came out from their homes, peering curiously, while Camillus maintained a stern expression.

The bastard son of the Emperor, Camillus Clodel.
His position, long forgotten, now recollected.
And the Emperor’s journey to find him, risking danger just before death, remained a mystery no matter how many times Camillus pondered it.

Did you hate me?
Or was that your way of loving me?

This unresolved question echoed as he finally arrived at the manor. As the steady clip-clop of hoofs ceased, Camillus dismounted first.
His knights moved ahead to open the large front gates. Camillus paused before them and then turned back to prepare himself—ready to face his once mighty father’s frail appearance.

The knights dismounted and began removing the fur cover from the carriage. As the ropes were pulled for the door, Camillus’s heart suddenly raced.
He, who had never blinked before monsters ten times his size, now held his breath in tension.

Finally, the Emperor’s foot emerged from the carriage.
An old man, unable to move without aid, fully revealed. Soft sighs emerged around Camillus.

He had expected exaggeration in rumors…
But the sighs bore true meaning.

Wrinkled skin, white hair, thin neck showing bones, trembling arm despite support, stooped body.
None resembled the father Camillus remembered eight years earlier.

Camillus stiffened momentarily, but when his clear blue eyes met the Emperor’s, he knelt.

“We pay homage to the Sun of the Empire.”

His knights echoed his words. Footsteps slowly approached.
A shadow fell over Camillus, and black-tipped shoes entered his view.

When he lifted his head, the old Emperor touched Camillus’s shoulder with a trembling hand, speaking with a soft sigh.

“How have you been… child?”

“…”

Looking at the Emperor, Camillus recalled the day he had knelt before him eight years ago.

〈That is your strength, isn’t it?〉
〈…Yes.〉

The day he was forced to confess his own powerlessness.
The person who shattered his young world and became his greatest resentment was right before him.

Upon entering the manor, the Emperor had to lie down on the bed in the center of Camillus’s chamber.
By imperial command, the Noah Knight Order and Camillus’s own knights left the manor, leaving the room too silent to hear even ants crawling.
Only the wheezing breath of the Emperor echoed as Camillus stood with his back to him by the window.

How much time had passed? No one knew.
Breaking the heavy silence, the Emperor spoke first.

“You appear to live well here… luckily.”

Camillus finally turned slightly to confirm his father’s presence. He felt little emotion seeing the thin wrist visible beyond the bedcovers, perhaps still shocked from arrival.

“Was this not expected? Had I died here, it would probably have been suicide.”

“Is that so.”

“Yes, I only lacked the will.”

Camillus stepped forward. The old wooden floor creaked softly beneath his weight.

He knelt next to the bed a few steps away, lifting the thin hand.

“Your Grace has wasted away much.”

Though he had guessed from the neck, the back of the hand was skeletal and trembling. Holding it vividly conveyed the frailty.

“A fatal illness…”

With a deep sigh, Camillus thought this a fitting end to the father who once controlled everything and boasted strength.

“A disease no one could cure.”

“No, he said living more was meaningless and refused treatment.”

“…”

There was no hint of regret in the Emperor’s words. But when Camillus heard what followed, he almost clenched the Emperor’s hand in anger.

“I wanted to be with your mother as soon as possible.”

Frowning, Camillus fixed his gaze on the Emperor.

“How can you wear such an expression?”

“I find her mysterious.”

Camillus had never been told by the Emperor who his mother was or anything about her. His father never answered when asked. The only words Camillus heard were:

〈You resemble your mother greatly.〉

The Emperor had said nothing else. This time was no different. His hand slowly rose and caressed Camillus’s face.

“I missed you, child. Except for these eyes… your nose, lips, ears… you inherited them all from your mother.”

The touch of his bony hand on Camillus’s cheek sent a chill down his spine.

Moreover, the one the Emperor missed was not Camillus himself. Even now, in this final moment, the Emperor did not genuinely see him.

Camillus before him was merely someone who resembled another man he longed for.

You, a man, came all this way…

Could there be such cruelty in the world?
Could anyone treat their own blood so mercilessly?
All I wanted, all I hoped for from you, was only to be seen as myself—
Not a tool to use, nor a mirror reflecting someone else, but a full person.
Was that so hard for you?

Camillus blinked to clear the haze clouding his vision.
Clenching his teeth tightly to control his breathing rising uncontrollably, he asked in a cold voice:

“Did you love?”

The answer came swiftly, too swiftly.

“I still love you.”

Though short, the words nearly broke Camillus’s mind.

“You loved?”

“Yes.”

Suddenly, a surge welled up inside.
Camillus unleashed the emotions he had not yet composed all at once.

“Then why did you treat me so? Why were you so desperate to cast me out? I said I would be quiet! I said I would live without greed! Without taking more!”

His breath grew ragged. Another brutally simple answer was thrown at him.

“I hated you.”

“What… did you say?”

Tears slid softly from Camillus’s eyes. Words like knives tore sharply into his heart.

“You were never meant to be born. Didn’t I tell you? Your very existence is a sin.”